Perspective
I was talking to my brother the other day. I was talking about something that someone had said. I had some reservations about why they said certain things. He said to me, “ look at it this way,” he proceeded to explain some things to me. I then said, “Oh yes, when you explain it that way I can understand that point of view.” I also realized that some of my issues with the conversation we were speaking about were due to some old habits that were instilled in me as a young adult. I changed my perspective. That first conversation seemed a lot more tolerable and I did not have the same feelings or maybe even bias that I had.
Perspective refers to the way we view and interpret situations, events, and experiences. These are shaped through various ways, upbringing, beliefs, values, and past experiences. It has a big influence on how we work through challenges and how we communicate with others.
When we are small our role models show us how to react in life and shape our perspectives. For instance, my dad was always the one who went out to work and mom stayed home and took care of me and my brother. I thought that is what men and women do. Then my mother got a job and I saw that women work too. Simple yet obvious example.
One thing my mother did when I was a child was if I got hurt she would say " Baby Jesus, is punishing you" I always thought, Whoa, what the heck did I do to deserve that? I am getting punished and I don't even know what I did! A good portion of my life I felt guilt for no good reason and would say sorry a lot. This made me out to be a people pleaser very early in life. That belief was instilled in me and it scared me.
When we are in relationships, the way we speak can trigger a perspective and a belief that is old and outdated. The past comes into our current relationships with people. This creates difficulty at times. The other person thinks they heard you say one thing, when you were saying something else. There are triggers we all have that create conflict. The trick is to understand where the other person is seeing it all from. Where is their perspective? It is probably very different from yours. Especially since we all come from different places and upbringings.
If you see there is a pattern in your life of getting into the same difficult conversations with your partner, parent, friend or children. Try choosing to come from a place of curiosity rather than defensiveness or reactionary replies. Be curious as to what perspective they are seeing what you from.
For instance, your parent or grandparent has a hard time throwing things out, and you keep telling them they should get rid of stuff. It begins to bother you. You try to get them to see that they don't need to keep all these things. You cannot see why they keep doing this. It really takes a toll on your health because it creates stress. One day you stop, sit and listen to a story about their life. You see that they might have lived through the Depression or grew up poor. This is why their habits are they way they are. Seeing their perspective you can then understand how they are thinking. Then you may realize that maybe it's not that big of an issue. It's really not worth the argument. As their perspective is one of scarcity.
Your partner is upset because it seems to them that you are saying something mean and then you get upset because you are not saying it in a mean way, that's just the way you speak. It could be because in a past relationship they were hurt by someone, and they said that same thing. When you said it, it triggered an old wound. Talking about it and seeing what their perspective is, really helps in understanding why the other person reacts the way they do. When you get it out in the open and see both sides, then an understanding comes about.
Changing your perspective and looking at things in different ways can open your eyes to some new joy. When we notice things just don’t seem right or feel right and open ourselves up to looking at it a different way, things become clearer. Then you start to make progress.
Develop a growth mind set. Look at things with a perspective of gratitude and start to challenge yourself to look at why you believe things the way you do. Is it because your beliefs and perspectives were programmed into you? Do you really believe what you say you believe? This will go a long way in understanding why you get triggered, have fears and have old habits holding you from moving ahead.
If something keeps staying the same, change your perspective. The scenery will change for the better. Adopt a curiosity for others perspectives. Practice gratitude and see how the world changes for you.
